and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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