Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
