I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
i need some magic done to my vagina
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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