I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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