wrigley field is MILF paradise
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
