dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
