woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
