I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
