So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
