She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's blow job season.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
