Girls should come with a carfax report
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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