he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
