im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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