mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
