I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
pop tarts are not kleenex
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
