Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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