The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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