remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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