what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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