just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
