his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
