From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
