Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
