He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
