I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
