Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
