Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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