Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
