My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
