just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
