we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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