i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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