She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So much rum. So many feels.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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