you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
