Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
