My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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