i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
