my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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