i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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