Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
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There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
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Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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