kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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