I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
