I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
