i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
