So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
