He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
