so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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