Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
