i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
