It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
