Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We need to feng shui this bitch.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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