He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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