I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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