booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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