tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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