I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
dude. I can hear the air.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
