One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
