Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
