Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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