her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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